Last night I had a dream. I was walking through a large courthouse. It was so full of people you could barely get through the halls. I past by a young man holding a small child. His eyes were wide as he looked across the hall. I turned to see what he was looking at. A woman, surrounded by friends and family, was screaming at him. But I couldn’t rubber neck it anymore, I had to keep moving or the crowd, behind me, would become angry too.
Suddenly, I was outside the courthouse. I saw the young man sitting on a bench. The small boy was playing around him. Curious, I sat down on a bench nearby. His name was Jamison. He was seventeen years old. He told me he had just won a two year custody battle for visitation rights for his son, Tyson. It had taken everything he had just to be a part of his son’s life. Now, he worried that it wouldn’t be enough. How could he possibly make up for lost time? How could he make the best of the time they did have together? How could he make a difference in his child’s life when he only had him every other weekend?
I looked up and pointed to the public library behind him. “There,” I said. “Take him to the library. Read to him. Teach him. Teaching your child is a gift, that you can give your child, that no one can take from him. And when he applies that knowledge, or practices it on his own, he will think about you and remember the way it felt to learn from you. His little heart will fill up with gratitude. His little face will light up with a smile and it will be like you are with him even when you are separated. The library is the perfect place to start. They have reading times, with music, crafts and songs. There are stories and how to books and plenty of fun for you and him to have for days. You will get to know him as you show him different books. You will find out what he is interested in and what you can do together when you look at non-fiction books and the stories that entertain him in the fiction section.”
I woke up unexpectedly with so much more that I wanted to say. So here is what I would have recommended if I had more time with Jamison.
Take him to the park. But don’t just watch him play, teach him how to play. Any movement that you and him can do on all fours, stretches out the whole body, makes it stronger, and works out both sides of the brain. The crab walk, bear crawl, kongs, and army crawl are examples of this. Next teach him how to fall. They call it the safety roll or parkour roll. This video shows the side, back and front rolls.
Teach him how to land safely and precisely, where he wants to, when he jumps.
Don’t just make memories, record them. Photo journals you write and illustrate together with drawings and photos are a great way to record your time together. Your small child can draw a picture and you can write what they tell you to. If they are too young to speak, show them how to hold their crayons or pencils and let them color. According to researchers, drawing can make you smarter. “Drawing adds synapses to the brain’s transmitters, so that information stored by the brain becomes stronger and more accessible.” – artistryfound.com. And when you don’t get very much time with a loved one, being able to recall those happy moments is essential.
Do everything you can together. Cook, clean, life stuff, pay bills, and even read mail together. When you are doing stuff for them, get them involved. Have them there with you and talk to them, even if it is just narrating what you are doing for them. For example, “I’m going to make you a snack. I will pick a nice orange, now I will peel it. There are one, two, three, peels here. Here are 2 pieces of orange just for you.” Have them help you clean and work. Work builds character. Children love it, they feel involved, grown up and independent all at the same time.
Build something together. Instead of just buying a toy for your child buy a kit to make or do together. Then display it somewhere in your home, for when he comes back home on weekends or holidays.
Congratulations on winning time with your child, Jamison. I know you will be an incredible father and that you will cherish every moment you have with baby Tyson.
